just seeing a birth certificate ...and the word Adopted on it
in that place... just added on the edge of the form...no real place for it to go...
it catapulted me back in time...a real awful day in my life on so many levels....
strange thing is how you relive not just the event but the feelings...
The day didnt start off bad...the opposite in fact...I needed to get a copy of my birth certificate..I was getting married...
and due to my very dysfunctional childhood ( thats being polite ) it was a f**k up to be honest...my birth certificate had been lost/ misplaced/ thrown away...who knows? ( bit like myself and my sister )
so I had to go to the births/marriages/deaths department to request a copy...not too difficult.... I hear you say...little did I know what the day would hold
Its fair to say that I wasnt as calm then, as what I am today, but in the same situation I would probably react the same....
I dont know what I was expecting ...and the wait in the reception area didnt help matters.....
But when the woman handed me this newly printed form I was not prepared for what was on it.....
The only word that I saw was
I was confused....
I was so angry....hurt...upset...distraught...
I was livid!!!!!
The poor woman didnt know what to do
'what is that doing on there!!!!? '
'What have you wrote that on there for? ' I shrieked at her
'Take it off...take it off ' I carried on shouting
I thought you knew...she said trying to remain calm
'I dont want that on ...so you can print me another and take it off!!! '
( to me it was that matter of fact...thats what I wanted ! )
I can hear myself now...see myself ...like someone demented!!!!
I just turned and leant against the wall...I just wanted to slide down it ..tears streaming down my face ..which I was not gonna let her see
even though I was grown up and away from her...that awful God forsaken excuse for a human being who adopted me was still managing to hurt me..affect me....
that made me even more angry......
and unlike the situation where I was able to get away from her and leave the awful events behind me..
I was not able to get away from this!!!!!
all that was going through my head was how I was going to get it off!!!!
I could hear the woman talking to me but the words just werent going in.....
'Unfortunately that has to stop on there..its a legal document and cant be altered' she told me
that was not what I wanted to hear....
I left the office empty handed....
I was not going to have that document with that on it!!!
funny thing was that i convinced myself in a moment that I didnt need it and I could get married without it!!!!
Moral of this story is...you think you get over things... that you have drawn a line under it..shut the door....but in reality....theres always a TRIGGER
when you least expect it..when you have dropped your guard
BAM!!!!
The good thing is I know I have moved on so much...and I think it is what makes me strong now...its definitely what make me feel so blessed for what I have and the person I am now...my family and frends and how far away from those awful beginnings , I have come.
Thank the Blessed Lord for what you have blessed me with
x
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